These are the days which I dread most (that I can think of for now):
- day 1 of my menses,,
- Facebook announcement that someone is pregnant or has given birth
- baby's christening where I'm either a guest or worse a godmother,
- children's birthday party and,
- yeah, Mother's Day
These are the days when I'm reminded that I'm not a mother... yet. That I don't have a child...yet. That I won't be receiving Happy Mother's Day for me but for my mom. These occasions seem to shout out at me saying, 'Hey, you're infertile and not getting pregnant is the worst failure you could ever get!' Sometimes I would pity myself, then try to compose myself convincing that I'd get pregnant, we haven't just found out yet what's really wrong with me. We'll get there. Maybe this coming cycle or after a TCM or a visit to OB/GYNE. Then, when I see a pregnant woman or a mother carrying her new born, urgh! There goes the self pity again, then the anger of how what seems to be an easy thing for others, is so damn hard for me!
Where is that missing puzzle? What is it that we haven't done yet? What is it that we have done in a wrong way? Am I being punished? Is this my curse for all the wrong that I've done? Moments like these come even at the middle of the night, while working my ass up and mostly when I'm alone. And, yet, there are no answers to these questions. I'm just hoping it will come really soon before I lose my sanity.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Everybody Is Getting Pregnant But ME!
40-year old actress, hubby's two friends - one who's been trying for five years and the other for a second child. Why has it always been skipping me. Before I resigned from my old job almost around me got pregnant and the news almost always come when I thought I'm pregnant and then bang! My period came!
It has always been like this. How I wish I could get used to these circumstances, but I can't. How can you tell yourself that it's ok when all you want to do is pity yourself and talk to your ovaries to please for once can't you just work the way you're supposed to? Then comes my obsession again to search for reason for infertility when I've already read them thousands of times. Lurking into forums checking if someone got preggy drinking this or eating that or doing something. TMI already but there's got to be an answer to what I'm going through.
Yeah, no matter how much we push, there's only so much that we can do. We still leave everything to nature, to God that the sticky beans will come. By then, every hurt, every pain and every bitter herbal pill we have to take will all be worth it because when our little one comes everything will be magical.
It has always been like this. How I wish I could get used to these circumstances, but I can't. How can you tell yourself that it's ok when all you want to do is pity yourself and talk to your ovaries to please for once can't you just work the way you're supposed to? Then comes my obsession again to search for reason for infertility when I've already read them thousands of times. Lurking into forums checking if someone got preggy drinking this or eating that or doing something. TMI already but there's got to be an answer to what I'm going through.
Yeah, no matter how much we push, there's only so much that we can do. We still leave everything to nature, to God that the sticky beans will come. By then, every hurt, every pain and every bitter herbal pill we have to take will all be worth it because when our little one comes everything will be magical.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Pope Paull II Beatification
Yesterday, May 1, was a great celebration for all Catholics. It was the beatification of Pope Paul II, the Pope of Our Generation, as they say, and the feast of Jesus The Divine Mercy. He is my favorite pope. He is charismatic, oozing with love and compassion. He even have forgiven and visited his would be assassin in the prison.
Pope Benedict XVI's proclamation of him as 'blessed' coincided with the celebration of The Divine Mercy because he was the defender of the The Divine Mercy apparition to Sr. Faustina. He was the one who declared the feast day of The Divine Mercy. Hubby and I feel lucky and blessed that The Divine Mercy Church here is quite near our place so we celebrated the mass there and to our great surprise the relics of Pope Paul with his statue were displayed at the side of the altar. Everytime I look at them I feel teary eyed. I begged for his intercession that he would also do a miracle for us. To pray for us that the Lord God grant us our greatest desire - our own children.
The vestments were said to be lost for some years already
and was only found a day before JPII's beatification.
After the mass, we venerated the relics and took some pictures. Before we left I said a prayer and said to myself, 'Go on God, heal me. Heal me.' I claim that God healed me through Pope Paul's intercession because that night I finally got my period! Yey!
Blessed Paul, pray for us.
Trying Out TCM
In my search for that missing period I took a one hour run last Saturday and yoga, using Breath, Bend and Conceive DVD by Ana Davis, finally had my D1 last night. No wonder why I feel weak and didn't have the slightest desire to go to Night Safari. Hubby's been forcing me to go to Night Safari since I came here in SG. I'm not really into animal parks. If he had asked me to go shopping in Orchard well, he doesn't have to ask me twice. Haha!
Anyway, so we left the house at around 9:15am to go to Dr. Goh Seck Choon for the appointment. It was about a 45min-bus-ride from here. But, we have to walk 5-10min to the bus station as there's no bus number on the usual station that we go to.
We got to the clinic a bit past 10am because we missed the bus stop and have to walk again few more meters to the clinic. After 20 minutes or so it was now our turn. His clinic is small due to the clutters, books, bottles, etc. piled and stocked around the room. I can't help but look around the place while I wait for him to finish his writing on my record card. He checked for my pulse in both wrists. He was already giving me medications when I asked him the condition of my body. After a deep breath he said my body is very weak and that I have PCOS w/c caused my severe cramping and advised me not to drink nor eat anything cold. After that we waited for our medicines in the reception area.
The receptionist prepared our medicines and gave us instructions on the number of tablets and how many times a day I should take them. I were given four kinds of meds in small transparent containers without labels. One type three tablets, another two tabs, the other two tabs also and the last one, one tablet all three times a day and should be taken at the same time! Eight tablets three times a day! I hope I won't die of choking while taking these. But, it's still better than boiling leaves or teas and having to drink them with awful tastes. I think the medicines given to me are herbs in tablet forms only because I can smell the leaves in them. I have to take them for six days, by the way.
All for the baby!
Anyway, so we left the house at around 9:15am to go to Dr. Goh Seck Choon for the appointment. It was about a 45min-bus-ride from here. But, we have to walk 5-10min to the bus station as there's no bus number on the usual station that we go to.
We got to the clinic a bit past 10am because we missed the bus stop and have to walk again few more meters to the clinic. After 20 minutes or so it was now our turn. His clinic is small due to the clutters, books, bottles, etc. piled and stocked around the room. I can't help but look around the place while I wait for him to finish his writing on my record card. He checked for my pulse in both wrists. He was already giving me medications when I asked him the condition of my body. After a deep breath he said my body is very weak and that I have PCOS w/c caused my severe cramping and advised me not to drink nor eat anything cold. After that we waited for our medicines in the reception area.
The receptionist prepared our medicines and gave us instructions on the number of tablets and how many times a day I should take them. I were given four kinds of meds in small transparent containers without labels. One type three tablets, another two tabs, the other two tabs also and the last one, one tablet all three times a day and should be taken at the same time! Eight tablets three times a day! I hope I won't die of choking while taking these. But, it's still better than boiling leaves or teas and having to drink them with awful tastes. I think the medicines given to me are herbs in tablet forms only because I can smell the leaves in them. I have to take them for six days, by the way.
All for the baby!
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