Happy Mother's Day!

These are the days which I dread most (that I can think of for now):

- day 1 of my menses,,
- Facebook announcement that someone is pregnant or has given birth
- baby's christening where I'm either a guest or worse a godmother,
- children's birthday party and,
- yeah, Mother's Day

These are the days when I'm reminded that I'm not a mother... yet. That I don't have a child...yet. That I won't be receiving Happy Mother's Day for me but for my mom. These occasions seem to shout out at me saying, 'Hey, you're infertile and not getting pregnant is the worst failure you could ever get!' Sometimes I would pity myself, then try to compose myself convincing that I'd get pregnant, we haven't just found out yet what's really wrong with me. We'll get there. Maybe this coming cycle or after a TCM or a visit to OB/GYNE. Then, when I see a pregnant woman or a mother carrying her new born, urgh! There goes the self pity again, then the anger of how what seems to be an easy thing for others, is so damn hard for me!

Where is that missing puzzle? What is it that we haven't done yet? What is it that we have done in a wrong way? Am I being punished? Is this my curse for all the wrong that I've done? Moments like these come even at the middle of the night, while working my ass up and mostly when I'm alone. And, yet, there are no answers to these questions. I'm just hoping it will come really soon before I lose my sanity.