I'm Back...

I am back! Well, my arduous chase to BFP is still the same. It hasn't been friendly to me. A lot of things happened while I was away on this blog. I was hoping that the next time I post something here it will be a positive but, its not.

Hmmm... where to I begin to tell you what has happened the past months. Since August hubby and I started to be semi-vegans. I eat red meat very occasionally. We are now more into seafood and veggies. Some weekends we do eat chicken and beef and even burgers just to satisfy our cravings. But, we rarely eat pork meat and if we do we just take a small portion.

Last September I tried fertility Feung Shui. I bought moonstones, which the feung shui expert said helps in calming the body and emotions thereby promoting fertility in a person. I had also some bracelets such as amethyst and moonstones. It caused me about 12k pesos!! About SGD350! Oh my!

On that same month we went to Seoul, Korea for our nth honeymoon. Haha!

Come October we tried IUI but this time taking injectable Puregon. I had 3-4 good follicles. I thought we got it because I had spotting about 6 days after IUI and had all the preggy symptoms. But, after 4 days of delayed period, AF came. I was devastated and cried about it like I never cried before.

Then after finding out that the procedure was not successful lo and behold I got news that my friend and my niece, who's just 20, are pregnant! Talk about timing, huh?!

Since then I am now under metformin while working on Iva Keene's NFP. 

Right now I have feelings of strong desire to have a baby. I also opening up to hubby the idea of adopting. But, he has this old thinking about adoption where adoption is like a disability for us parents and to the child itself. 

I don't feel really good right now. It seems that the only thing that can make me happy in life is for me to get pregnant and have a baby. My head is telling me that I shouldn't be feeling that way. I have so much to be happy about. That's true but, right now my heart is telling me otherwise. And, if there's anything that could make me fall pregnant? Right now, I am so willing to take that.

O God, I need strength and fortitude, right now, please. Thank You.

Again...

Again. Everybody is getting pregnant except me.

An actress who got married 5 months ago.
A friend who have been waiting for about 6 years.
A close friend who just had miscarriage last May.

O bummer... When's it gonna be my turn? I'm on my wit's end!!!

Nothing Has Changes

Hi! It's been awhile since my last post. So preoccupied about nothing, really. What have happened for the past three weeks? Nothing much.

After four weeks of once a week visit to the TCM having acupuncture sessions and drinking bitter potions and pills here I am just had my period after three weeks of delay. I was really expecting that I'd get my period after 30 days. O well, so much with PCOS. But, I was glad to have it last Sunday. I think what helped was the hot compress I placed in my tummy. It was not really for my tummy. There's a lump/bump on my groin. It's a bit painful and the skin is a little red so I'm worried that it may end up as a boil. After checking the net on how to lessen the bump and redness I took a hot compress and placed it on the affected area. In between I would place it also on my tummy and at the back of my hips. I just thought about it because I read somewhere that progesterone is heat sensitive and it'll help to increase it if you put a hot compress on your abdomen and at the back a week before your expected period. I guess it helped indeed cause not only did I have my period but I have no dysmenorrhea. My day 1 was a breeze. I felt nothing not even the pulling down sensation on my vagina.

On my next cycles I'll make sure to have a hot compress ever day starting on the week before I have my period.

Btw, on Sat, 1st of July, I'll have my HSG at Ruffles Hospital. Though I had it in 2008 my current OBGYNE seemed it necessary to have another one since there are cases that the tubes will be blocked due to endemetriosis and others. So wish me luck!

Iva Keene NFP

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K02r3abs4s

This is very promising but I am bit skeptic of this because I think I know already almost the do's and don'ts of fertility. The recommended diet is not even always available and is quite expensive. Has anyone actually purchased this and succeeded in conceiving? I can't seem to find any forum or review about the success of her NFP.

Infertility Philippines: A Must-Read Poem for Infertile Women: I Will Be Be...

Infertility Philippines: A Must-Read Poem for Infertile Women: I Will Be Be...: "Here’s a poem I chanced upon while surfing the net and I would like to share this with all the women who are trying to conceive and are in t..."

Trying TCM

It's been a while since my last post. I don't know. I guess I've just been busy. Or I don't want to be reminded that I'm documenting my TTC journey. Or I am hoping the next time I post here it's going to be positive. But, I'm not so the journey goes on!

I've been going to Dr Koh Lee Hoon of Nam Hua Acupuncture and Medical Hall at Tampines Interchage Central 1. She is very kind and seems to know what she is doing. I saw pictures of babies and even a Thank You card dedicated to her for helping a couple have their own baby. So it made me believe that she can help TTC couples conceive naturally. Yep, I'm convincing myself because when I started this process it was not easy.

The first day of my consultation, that was 2nd of May, I was greeted by a nice lady who gladly allowed me to write my name in the waiting list. As I was number 8 she said that I can come back about 1030am, and it's just quarter to 9. So I looked around the area as it was too early, shops open around 1030am, I just bought myself some siopao for breakfast.

Finally, its my turn. She asked usual things doc asks and TCM asks. She gave me a BBT chart to measure my tempt every morning. After some Q&A portion she asked me to lay in the bed and she started the acupuncture. Several needles were placed in my body. Most were in my lower legs for constipation, liver and stomach. I was kind of surprised that in my stomach she just used three needles below my navel. In my previous acupuncture in the Philippines there were about 5 needles along the ovaries. She also placed a patch that connects to a small gadget that massages my lower back.

Before I left the clinic the lady I met early in that morning have prepared the medicine I have to take for 6 days. All of these cost me SGD60. I need to go back every week so it means I'd be spending around SGD240/month on a 4-week month and SGD300 if it's 5 weeks. O boy, I think my husband's wallet is going to be ripped apart. LOL!

It is now my 4th week and have been swallowing 6-7 tablets and drinking bitter syrup each day. I can't see any improvement based on my BBT chart as my temperature is low, 36.5 C the highest after ovulation. I'm expecting my next period to be around this week or early next week and I'm not having bad PMS i.e. headache, wobbling or weak knee, etc, so I guess Doc Koh's treatment is helping me anyhow.

I'm willing to give this 2-3 months more since I've read that TCM takes about 3 or more months before you could actually get the benefits.

p.s. On June 3 I'd be going to Dr. Sheila Loh of Raffles for first consultation. You bet I'm working double time now. Haha!

p.s.s. I've stopped going to Dr. Goh since Clementi is too far for me.

last p.s. I appreciate hubby for helping me out on this process. He would wake up ahead of me around 8am everyday to shake the mercury based thermometer and suck it in my mouth. Then would take it out as I was still asleep and try to read the measurement even he himself is still very sleepy. =)

Happy Mother's Day!

These are the days which I dread most (that I can think of for now):

- day 1 of my menses,,
- Facebook announcement that someone is pregnant or has given birth
- baby's christening where I'm either a guest or worse a godmother,
- children's birthday party and,
- yeah, Mother's Day

These are the days when I'm reminded that I'm not a mother... yet. That I don't have a child...yet. That I won't be receiving Happy Mother's Day for me but for my mom. These occasions seem to shout out at me saying, 'Hey, you're infertile and not getting pregnant is the worst failure you could ever get!' Sometimes I would pity myself, then try to compose myself convincing that I'd get pregnant, we haven't just found out yet what's really wrong with me. We'll get there. Maybe this coming cycle or after a TCM or a visit to OB/GYNE. Then, when I see a pregnant woman or a mother carrying her new born, urgh! There goes the self pity again, then the anger of how what seems to be an easy thing for others, is so damn hard for me!

Where is that missing puzzle? What is it that we haven't done yet? What is it that we have done in a wrong way? Am I being punished? Is this my curse for all the wrong that I've done? Moments like these come even at the middle of the night, while working my ass up and mostly when I'm alone. And, yet, there are no answers to these questions. I'm just hoping it will come really soon before I lose my sanity.