These are the days which I dread most (that I can think of for now):
- day 1 of my menses,,
- Facebook announcement that someone is pregnant or has given birth
- baby's christening where I'm either a guest or worse a godmother,
- children's birthday party and,
- yeah, Mother's Day
These are the days when I'm reminded that I'm not a mother... yet. That I don't have a child...yet. That I won't be receiving Happy Mother's Day for me but for my mom. These occasions seem to shout out at me saying, 'Hey, you're infertile and not getting pregnant is the worst failure you could ever get!' Sometimes I would pity myself, then try to compose myself convincing that I'd get pregnant, we haven't just found out yet what's really wrong with me. We'll get there. Maybe this coming cycle or after a TCM or a visit to OB/GYNE. Then, when I see a pregnant woman or a mother carrying her new born, urgh! There goes the self pity again, then the anger of how what seems to be an easy thing for others, is so damn hard for me!
Where is that missing puzzle? What is it that we haven't done yet? What is it that we have done in a wrong way? Am I being punished? Is this my curse for all the wrong that I've done? Moments like these come even at the middle of the night, while working my ass up and mostly when I'm alone. And, yet, there are no answers to these questions. I'm just hoping it will come really soon before I lose my sanity.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Everybody Is Getting Pregnant But ME!
40-year old actress, hubby's two friends - one who's been trying for five years and the other for a second child. Why has it always been skipping me. Before I resigned from my old job almost around me got pregnant and the news almost always come when I thought I'm pregnant and then bang! My period came!
It has always been like this. How I wish I could get used to these circumstances, but I can't. How can you tell yourself that it's ok when all you want to do is pity yourself and talk to your ovaries to please for once can't you just work the way you're supposed to? Then comes my obsession again to search for reason for infertility when I've already read them thousands of times. Lurking into forums checking if someone got preggy drinking this or eating that or doing something. TMI already but there's got to be an answer to what I'm going through.
Yeah, no matter how much we push, there's only so much that we can do. We still leave everything to nature, to God that the sticky beans will come. By then, every hurt, every pain and every bitter herbal pill we have to take will all be worth it because when our little one comes everything will be magical.
It has always been like this. How I wish I could get used to these circumstances, but I can't. How can you tell yourself that it's ok when all you want to do is pity yourself and talk to your ovaries to please for once can't you just work the way you're supposed to? Then comes my obsession again to search for reason for infertility when I've already read them thousands of times. Lurking into forums checking if someone got preggy drinking this or eating that or doing something. TMI already but there's got to be an answer to what I'm going through.
Yeah, no matter how much we push, there's only so much that we can do. We still leave everything to nature, to God that the sticky beans will come. By then, every hurt, every pain and every bitter herbal pill we have to take will all be worth it because when our little one comes everything will be magical.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Pope Paull II Beatification
Yesterday, May 1, was a great celebration for all Catholics. It was the beatification of Pope Paul II, the Pope of Our Generation, as they say, and the feast of Jesus The Divine Mercy. He is my favorite pope. He is charismatic, oozing with love and compassion. He even have forgiven and visited his would be assassin in the prison.
Pope Benedict XVI's proclamation of him as 'blessed' coincided with the celebration of The Divine Mercy because he was the defender of the The Divine Mercy apparition to Sr. Faustina. He was the one who declared the feast day of The Divine Mercy. Hubby and I feel lucky and blessed that The Divine Mercy Church here is quite near our place so we celebrated the mass there and to our great surprise the relics of Pope Paul with his statue were displayed at the side of the altar. Everytime I look at them I feel teary eyed. I begged for his intercession that he would also do a miracle for us. To pray for us that the Lord God grant us our greatest desire - our own children.
The vestments were said to be lost for some years already
and was only found a day before JPII's beatification.
After the mass, we venerated the relics and took some pictures. Before we left I said a prayer and said to myself, 'Go on God, heal me. Heal me.' I claim that God healed me through Pope Paul's intercession because that night I finally got my period! Yey!
Blessed Paul, pray for us.
Trying Out TCM
In my search for that missing period I took a one hour run last Saturday and yoga, using Breath, Bend and Conceive DVD by Ana Davis, finally had my D1 last night. No wonder why I feel weak and didn't have the slightest desire to go to Night Safari. Hubby's been forcing me to go to Night Safari since I came here in SG. I'm not really into animal parks. If he had asked me to go shopping in Orchard well, he doesn't have to ask me twice. Haha!
Anyway, so we left the house at around 9:15am to go to Dr. Goh Seck Choon for the appointment. It was about a 45min-bus-ride from here. But, we have to walk 5-10min to the bus station as there's no bus number on the usual station that we go to.
We got to the clinic a bit past 10am because we missed the bus stop and have to walk again few more meters to the clinic. After 20 minutes or so it was now our turn. His clinic is small due to the clutters, books, bottles, etc. piled and stocked around the room. I can't help but look around the place while I wait for him to finish his writing on my record card. He checked for my pulse in both wrists. He was already giving me medications when I asked him the condition of my body. After a deep breath he said my body is very weak and that I have PCOS w/c caused my severe cramping and advised me not to drink nor eat anything cold. After that we waited for our medicines in the reception area.
The receptionist prepared our medicines and gave us instructions on the number of tablets and how many times a day I should take them. I were given four kinds of meds in small transparent containers without labels. One type three tablets, another two tabs, the other two tabs also and the last one, one tablet all three times a day and should be taken at the same time! Eight tablets three times a day! I hope I won't die of choking while taking these. But, it's still better than boiling leaves or teas and having to drink them with awful tastes. I think the medicines given to me are herbs in tablet forms only because I can smell the leaves in them. I have to take them for six days, by the way.
All for the baby!
Anyway, so we left the house at around 9:15am to go to Dr. Goh Seck Choon for the appointment. It was about a 45min-bus-ride from here. But, we have to walk 5-10min to the bus station as there's no bus number on the usual station that we go to.
We got to the clinic a bit past 10am because we missed the bus stop and have to walk again few more meters to the clinic. After 20 minutes or so it was now our turn. His clinic is small due to the clutters, books, bottles, etc. piled and stocked around the room. I can't help but look around the place while I wait for him to finish his writing on my record card. He checked for my pulse in both wrists. He was already giving me medications when I asked him the condition of my body. After a deep breath he said my body is very weak and that I have PCOS w/c caused my severe cramping and advised me not to drink nor eat anything cold. After that we waited for our medicines in the reception area.
The receptionist prepared our medicines and gave us instructions on the number of tablets and how many times a day I should take them. I were given four kinds of meds in small transparent containers without labels. One type three tablets, another two tabs, the other two tabs also and the last one, one tablet all three times a day and should be taken at the same time! Eight tablets three times a day! I hope I won't die of choking while taking these. But, it's still better than boiling leaves or teas and having to drink them with awful tastes. I think the medicines given to me are herbs in tablet forms only because I can smell the leaves in them. I have to take them for six days, by the way.
All for the baby!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Searching for the Specialist
I am already on may D36 and no period yet. So I called up Dr Sheila Loh's clinic in Raffles Hospital who is quite popular in some SG forums. She is fully booked the whole month and my appointment will yet be on the 3rd of July. O, bummer! So many infertile couples in the house!!!
Since I'd be waiting for a month I'm thinking of trying out TCM. I made an appointment with Goh Seck Choon of Ubi Ave 1 and advised to be early on Monday, May 2. Guess there'll be a long queue here, too.
If you want to try TCM, these two sites have comprehensive lists:
http://www.tcm-esearch.com/
http://singaporetcm.wordpress.com/
Since I'd be waiting for a month I'm thinking of trying out TCM. I made an appointment with Goh Seck Choon of Ubi Ave 1 and advised to be early on Monday, May 2. Guess there'll be a long queue here, too.
If you want to try TCM, these two sites have comprehensive lists:
http://www.tcm-esearch.com/
http://singaporetcm.wordpress.com/
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The Journey Continues in SG
Hubby and I decided to seek the help of a specialist once again due to the excruciating abdominal pain I had on the 26th of this month and last night I was also feeling the pain again but this time it's more tolerable. I'm afraid it's the endemetriosis, the initial diagnosis of the last endo-repro doctor I visited in the Philippines weeks before I came here in Singapore.
So I searched the net for possible infertility doctors. My eyes almost popped out when I found out the consultation fees! Dr Wong Peng Cheang is a fellow of PSREI or Philippine Society of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility, Incorporated. I was thinking if he's a fellow in a Philippine organization maybe he would be easier to consult. His fee is around SGD168 for the first consultation and SGD88++ for succeeding visits. These excludes all tests that he'll be doing. S$168 = Php5.5k++!!! Gosh! It was soooo expensive!! That's why I checked on Dr Ann Tan which I read in some forums. She seemed to be popular and can be compared to the likes of Dr. Eileen Manalo in the Phil. It said that the queue is quite long and would take you hours before you get your turn and sometimes she doesn't encourage questions from patients. I shoot an inquiry about her fees and I almost fell from where I'm sitting! S$170 consultation fee and S$130 ultrasound test! Whhuuuuaaaatttt???? Is this for real? And if you're a private patient you're still charged with GST tax of 7%. So the total would be more that Php6k?!
Now, I'm angry and hated the situation I am in. Why is it so expensive? I should have completed all my tests in the Philippines so that I don't have to do this here. And in the first place, why am I having this infertility problems? Why??? Urgh!
So I searched the net for possible infertility doctors. My eyes almost popped out when I found out the consultation fees! Dr Wong Peng Cheang is a fellow of PSREI or Philippine Society of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility, Incorporated. I was thinking if he's a fellow in a Philippine organization maybe he would be easier to consult. His fee is around SGD168 for the first consultation and SGD88++ for succeeding visits. These excludes all tests that he'll be doing. S$168 = Php5.5k++!!! Gosh! It was soooo expensive!! That's why I checked on Dr Ann Tan which I read in some forums. She seemed to be popular and can be compared to the likes of Dr. Eileen Manalo in the Phil. It said that the queue is quite long and would take you hours before you get your turn and sometimes she doesn't encourage questions from patients. I shoot an inquiry about her fees and I almost fell from where I'm sitting! S$170 consultation fee and S$130 ultrasound test! Whhuuuuaaaatttt???? Is this for real? And if you're a private patient you're still charged with GST tax of 7%. So the total would be more that Php6k?!
Now, I'm angry and hated the situation I am in. Why is it so expensive? I should have completed all my tests in the Philippines so that I don't have to do this here. And in the first place, why am I having this infertility problems? Why??? Urgh!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Preseed
Part of the itinerary of that November trip was to visit all Watsons and Guardian stores we could find. As in everytime we see one I wouldn't miss checking out if Preseed is sold in that store. And it was only yesterday that I was finally able to buy one. There were two stocks of Preseed. I already got hold of one box and been thinking if I should buy both of them since stores selling them is a dime a dozen. I would pick up the other box, ask myself if I should buy it, then put it back. I was going to the counter but went back to the shelf, hold the other box again, ask myself if I should buy it, then put it back, long pause and I finally decided that I won't be buying it, for now. Oh, women! Haha!
Actually, we were still not able to use all of the first Preseed that I bought in the Philippines. So why I bought again? I am saving it when I think we'd be able to conceive (when would that be I wonder?) or when we finally start to do a work up again.
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